God began dealing with me on insecurity many years ago. It has certainly been a process, one that I’m sure will be ongoing in my daily walk. For the longest time, I believed that these feelings were based on statements such as “I’m not” or “I don’t”. Little did I know that the root of insecurity had nothing to do with what I possess or how I look. The heart of the matter stemmed back much further to the ideas and beliefs I had about God. And when He shined His light on those dark and hidden places, I soon realized that I needed to repent and my thinking to be restored. I had agreed with a lie; not only about myself but about my Father.
It’s crazy how we can quickly find identity in pain. Whether it’s an illness or emotional, we often cling to these struggles like they truly represent who we are. These areas of life consume our thinking and dictate our decisions and words, whether we know it or not. I can remember being in a season of desperately needing freedom in my walk with Christ, but being too scared to let go of the bondage. It had become a security blanket for me. The enemy had distorted the truth and it felt easier to hang onto the baggage than to lay it down. Because I knew that true surrender meant losing control. Deep down I knew that giving it to the Lord meant also trusting Him with the outcome. And for the longest time, I had only met Him half way. I would give it to the Lord, only to take it back. I would ask for freedom, only to jump back into fear and unbelief the moment my world began to shake. And after the layers of symptoms and ideas were peeled back, the root was revealed: I didn’t trust the Lord. I felt that I was too much for Him to handle. I felt that I was the exception to His love and grace. I believed that He wasn’t always good.
I began to dig through God’s Word and search out what He said over my situation. And sure enough, He met me there and highlighted the scriptures that I needed to transform my thoughts and renew my mind.
“Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”
“…And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts.”
The term rule in the last verse comes from athletic terms (think of an umpire or referee). Paul, in this verse, is saying that Christ’s peace should determine what is safe and what should be thrown out.
The word insecure means: unsafe, unsteady, not sure or certain, inadequately guarded or protected.
And there it is, in black and white. I was not properly guarded. My ears were more in-tune with the voice of the enemy than the voice of the Lord. I was led by emotions rather than the Holy Spirit. Insecurity wasn’t something that happened to me, but rather than something I allowed in. I carried a spirit of rejection and wondered why I was often rejected. Focused on what I felt I was not, I missed many opportunities. I avoided situations and people, and was surprised when I was overlooked or left out. I counted myself out before anyone had the chance to count me in. I was a self fullfilling prophecy.
But little by little, my mind has been renewed and the Lord is showing me what true security and freedom looks like. And it has been a beautiful, messy process. One that I still get wrong or I find myself in new, vulnerable situations. And it’s then that I’m faced with a choice. Fear or Faith. Rejection or Inclusion. Insecurity or Stability. My emotions or the Word of God. And I choose the latter. Getting past my initial uncertainty, I have found a freedom that I didn’t believe was possible for me. Certain situations that would have me running for the door, I feel His peace and assurance. And the awesome thing is, it has nothing to with me. My inability and lack of doesn’t matter. Because it’s in my weakness that He is strong. It’s when I can’t, that I can give Him all of the glory. It’s in the wilderness that He creates a stream of refreshing to grow our faith. And it’s there when we truly learn just how good He really is.